However, my sober day has yet to have filled me with the sort of excitement that an actual birthday would. I tend to feel a little contemplative and even a little sad as I read this day. Sad because I still wish that it’d be cool for me to be able to have a drink now and again, and I yet I firmly know that’s not an option. At least it’s not an option if I want to continue to have a lot to be grateful for.

Like most everything I do in life, when I started to drink I didn’t do it halfway. I fully loved the feeling of giving my life over the chaotic storm! As I got older, though, it became harder and harder to ignore the damage the storm was doing to my life and the lives of those around me who I cared for the most.

It’s no coincidence that one of the biggest drinking days in the US is also my last day at it. Without boring or embarrassing with details, I’ll let it be known that I was hauled home by the police that night, my body filled with expensive whiskey (I worked at a law firm then, everything I went top shelf—especially on the firm’s dime), my clothes torn and my knee all bloody from a nasty fall I took.

The next morning I woke up hung-over, something I was no stranger to. But I also woke up with the knowledge that the highs weren’t as high as they used to be and the lows were lower than ever and the amount of time I was spending in a black out state was also growing. The whole funny youthful party guy look was looking worse and worse on me and it was giving me more and more pain. That morning I knew that there was getting to be a larger and larger chance that if I kept going the direction I was going I wouldn’t make it through my 30s if I didn’t radically alter my life. Now it’s easy to say “I don’t know if I’ll make it through my 30s or not” but it’s another thing to truly stare that skull in the eyes and know its truth.

Now, throughout much of my 20s I had the feeling I wouldn’t live into my 30s, and oftentimes when I’d get drunk I’d talk about how I imagined that I’d die young. It was something that sounded cool and controversial in my skewed vision but it was also something I felt with a genuine sense of dread. Now in 2006 I 31 years old, so I’d made it over that hump but I still felt that “die young” karma chasing me. On the morning of 3/18/6, I looked that karma in the eyes and said “no thank you.”

If I could do everything over again, I’d probably join AA right away. I didn’t and I don’t imagine that what I did would work for anyone other than myself, and it wouldn’t have worked for me if not for divine intervention! I guess in the end, divine intervention is the only real way out of that maze that alcoholism throws you into.

What I did do was tell my ex-wife (who was then my wife), Noel and about 6 other people that I wouldn’t be drinking again, period. Other than those few people I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t trust myself to deal with friends from work trying to convince me to have one drink. Instead I made myself really busy, starting to run and do yoga. Then I did a marathon. After the marathon, then I told people I was sober but I’d had an excuse (training) for 7 months so by then people were used to not seeing me out at the happy hours.

Running, yoga and music were all huge helps for me. I’ve spoken about how yoga helped to heal me so that I could feel joy without chemical assistance. It also helped me with many of the core issues of self-loathing that helped encourage the depths of my decent. I honestly don’t know where I’d be without the help yoga gave me.

Running pumped me full of endorphins but also gave me a “look at my new life” feeling. I used to imagine running a bunch all the way back in 6th Grade, but had never actually done it. Doing a marathon was a huge symbol for me of a new me.

Now music is another big thing. Listening to new music, music that wasn’t attached to my “old life” was huge. Fortunately 2006 was a good year for music and The Yeah Yeah Yeahs “Show Your Bones” and The Knife “Silent Shout” were listened to endlessly. The prior I would listen to on many of the long walks I took at the time. I love the Mississippi and lived right next to it in Minneapolis at the time. I would walk down to the Stone Arch Bridge regularly (I’d also run over this bridge). This area is the location of the only waterfall on the Mississippi, St. Anthony Falls. I would stare into the water, listen to YYY (especially the song “Warrior” which talks about a river) and try to relax. I’m listening to the album right now. Both it and The Knife album really are two of my absolute favorites from the 2000s.

Relaxation was hard then. My whole body and mind were tense more often than not. When I closed my eyes I would be overwhelmed with fearful feelings—all the feelings I’d drunk to suppress would come up. My heart was an odd mix of very cold, almost loveless, and also totally full of more emotions than I knew how to deal with. 2006 was a year where I had to start learning how to be a human being again; I think I’m still learning that lesson these six years later.

Obviously, things started to get better. Even the anniversaries have gotten easier and easier, this year not causing the minor psychological breakdown that last year did (5 years was a biggie plus I was living in LA while Emmy was still in the OC and I was still somewhat fresh coming out of the divorce; all this meant that I was again wondering who the hell I was). This year, I didn’t even remember that the date was coming up until pretty close to it. Obviously the date being so closely tied to St. Patty’s day means the whole world makes such a big deal of the date that I don’t imagine it’ll ever pass without notice.

My mind still wants to put alcoholism in a box of “things I’ve sorted out and don’t have to deal with again” but that’s not really how it works. It’s a constant healing process and one that has the regular ability to surprise me.

I’ve been lucky to be able to keep many friends from before I got sober and also lucky to meet a lot of amazing people since then. However my overall sober tendency is to be a little more introverted than not, so it’s a little harder to have the same degree of closeness to the same number of people that I did when I drank, but that’s OK—life is a state of evolution and that which stops evolving dies. Now I have no interest in dying, I hope to live well into my 90s and still be riding camels and elephants then!

This post today doesn’t have a grand political point. I don’t really think my alcoholism has a grand point nor does it mean anything in and of itself. I have learned and changed and evolved through the process of dealing with this, just as people since time immemorial have learned much through dealing with the true challenges they’ve been presented with. In final estimation (at least today), I’d say I’m grateful for the disease in that it really has helped me grow in ways I doubt I’d have done without it. That said, I’d trade it all for the ability just to have a beer to help unwind after a crazy day; and so the cycle goes!

Much love,

David
3/18/12

Ulpotha is a rare place in that you can totally and completely relax there.  Other people are there, so you chat around dinner and lunch time and you see them at yoga but otherwise there’s not much in terms of organized plans, so you really have the option just to chill, which seems quite rare really as most places have so much to do.  Not just are you chilling either, but you get to chill in the middle of the Sri Lankan jungle.  We saw some amazing creatures there: tons of monkeys, an enormous snail, beautiful birds, big huge lizards (called land monitors), little tiny lizards, snakes, giant flies, froggies and more.  Though we didn’t see it, there was a crocodile hanging out by the water.  The jungle sounds were intoxicating as well.

We’ll post pictures and write more, I just wanted to pop by and give the 1000 mile view!

Much love,

David

I just got this album last week and enjoy the heck out of it!  You may have seen the viral video hit of Walk Off The Earth covering Gotye’s “Somebody I Used To Know” (if not I’ll post it below), but this is the track I wanted to focus on today.  It’s so happy, I listened to it while walking up the Corniche to take yoga this morning and it put a spring in my step.  The whole album is great and extremely varied, I like it too that the album isn’t simply a single or two and then a whole bunch of songs that try to but don’t succeed at being singles.  The album has stand-out radio tracks but also enjoys a number of intentionally “small” tracks that are more introverted, strange and humble than their radio friendly pals.  12 tracks, every one is good.  If you like these two, do yourself a favor and get the whole album!  =)

Here’s the cover, the original sounds better but doesn’t have as cool a video:

I hope to get back to more regular writing now.  Please stay tuned!  =)

Egypt seems like a while ago even though it was a week and a half.  It was a wild ride of a vacation.  You had every aspect of life poured into ten days.  On one end of the spectrum there was the pure chaos of Cairo traffic (anyone who thinks LA traffic is insane should visit Cairo), then on the other end you had the total chill of hanging on the deck of the cruise ship traveling down the Nile with Bill Laswell on headphones.  In between those extremes there were monuments, tourists, chats about the current politics in Egypt, great buffets, lots of donkeys carrying carts, freshly made sugar cane juice, hotel wedding parties, a strange dance involving a man dressed up as a kissing horse, lots of hieroglyphics, ancient energy in the Valley of the Kings, Grecian Agathadaimon relief pieces in Alexandria, a whirlwind overnight train trip, lots of locals trying to sell you cheap stuff, about a dozen basic words learned in Arabic (a dozen more than I’ve learned in Abu Dhabi), lots of photographs, a hotel view of the pyramids, towel animals in our cruise ship (watch the video for those if you haven’t seen them) and so much more.  Really a wild ride and I’m so happy to have been able to take it with Emmy!  It’s amazing to me how we can travel together, be around each other for 24 hours and there’s no tension.  Really a joy!

Hope 2012 is going well for you!  Much love!
David

Dino’s favorite past times included hiding in dark corners, chasing his cat-nip filled mousse, biting my toes, and coercing David to give him an aggressive petting (which resulted in one of his many nicknames, Ruffy Tuffkins). Though his size increased to an impressive, muscular mass throughout his ten years of life, some things about Dino never changed. Terrible at hiding his misbehaviors, Dino would approach you to show his affection by head butting your shoulder or kneading your belly with his paws, leaving a path of wet paw prints behind him. He found fascination in the discovery of water and delighted in standing in his water bowl, splashing as much H2O as possible onto the ground (much to the dismay of the floors supporting his water dish)!

Gazing out windows and off balconies at the great big world below him, Dino found great delight in his ability to observe this life. Completely intimidated by engaging in much outside of this comfort zone of his, he darted away from the sounds of garbage trucks and speedily retreated inside the seat of his favorite chair at the presence of strangers.

But the thing about Dino, is that if you spent the time to get to know him, if you sat and waited for him to warm up to your presence, if you let him take his time in deciding how he felt about you, you would suddenly find one day that you’d made a new best friend. Like the artsy introvert who you might pass by and exchange a nod with hundreds times on your walk to work, misinterpreting the quietude for a boring personality, only to find upon a forced conversation that the depths of this person offer a whole universe to be discovered- so Dino may have appeared a typical skittish kitty. But at the depths of this animal existed a dynamo of personality and devotion and love that too few people got to experience during his lifetime.

Dionysus spent all but the first and last two months of his life as my faithful companion. He lived in my very first apartment after college and made every single move to nine homes in three states with me. He was with me longer than any man. He was witness to more details of my adult life than any human being. He crossed the entire United States of America and would have come to the other side of the world if I could have brought him. I am so thankful to have had this amazing furry friend, and could not have replaced him for anything. From his first year to his last, I am the only person he would let pick him up and hug him, and who he would hug back.

Dino died last night because he got very sick. It would have happened whether David and I were with him or not. We certainly wish we could have been there with him, but there are certain things in life you just know, and we know that Dino knew how much we love him.

I also know there are many people who have many diverse reactions to my life in relation to my cats. I’ve been demonized and harassed by animal rights activists for re-homing my cats when I moved to Abu Dhabi, I’ve been chastised by insensitive non-animal lovers for putting any effort into that process at all. I’ve been looked at as though I’m insane for having as much emotion as I do for my cats. I’ve been supported by an entire community of compassionate animal lovers, who like myself believe that these furry creatures have just as much of a soul as us humans. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, but at the end of the day I will say this: I have yet to meet any being who is not interested in being loved. I loved Dino, and Dino loved me. I know he had a great life, and I don’t think either of us would have changed a thing.

This is a great slideshow that Emmy put together of some of our favorite pictures from our Egypt trip, hope you enjoy!  I will have more to write about this amazing vacation soon, but today I have a lot to catch up with now that we’re back in the UAE!

Just a short post today.  We leave for Egypt tomorrow, which is really exciting!  Emmy got a new really nice camera so we should have some good quality photos!  We’re going to bring the laptop along but there is no assurance that we’ll have internet so if you don’t see an entry here for a while that’s the reason!

Hope you all have an awesome holiday season, with much love!
David